I'm home! Yes, inbetween hospital apts I managed to get lesson planning done for classes I will miss tomorrow. No thanks for that tho. If the Head ever said a positive word to me I'd be in so much shock I'd have a heart-attack. Quick to critisise and put me down, decline my offer of help and talk at me, teach me suck eggs, criticism of statements that are positive that somehow she makes negative and destroys any standing I have but never, not once has there been a gracious comment about designing stuff from scratch, delivering a successful programme or the positive teacher-student relations I managed to form. I'm somewhat disallusioned with this teaching lark.
I've never known any profession less collaborative or more back biting. I'm told by teachers and colleagues its just the school I am at, but the philosophy and leadership of the school is positive and forward thinking. I am struggling to understand why the two dont mesh. I must say I didn't experience so much negativity on teaching practice so maybe there is truth in what I am told?! Its somewhat a sad situation tho. If the majority of teachers could just get on board with the vision for the school it would be such a different place to work. I just dont know tho.
This isnt for me. I need to work at a higher level with people who are not threatened by who I am but who want to use what I can offer in a positive way and who are willing to let me learn from them. I dont have that now and its isolating and confidence destroying. It also makes it look like I am the one with the problem, but, like I've said before, if there were cameras and microphones around then what people actually say and mean and what they offer as lip service to be heard saying the right thing would separate out those who management think are fantastic and who offer up empty words from those they dont think so great but who they dont realise are genuinely loyal. Never gonna happen tho. Teaching has altered my perceptions of the world. Its squishing the light out of me.
Ironic as the students light up everything. They are real and genuine even when swearing and abusing me and each other. It is rare to feel so much 'in' service and be able to clearly see a difference that one can make to these students and hopefully the faith and trust they have in themselves. Its so confusing because the teachers destroy it all. Is this the process to 'teacher disillusionment' and 'apathy' - arghhhhhh! I'm so confused I cant write anymore. Sigh . . . what is the world coming to.
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