Emotional Abuse - reference resource

Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse is the most common and least talked about form of abuse. Part of the reason it is so easy for people to ignore, is that much of what is thought of as normal and acceptable forms of communication is in fact abusive. Many people don't know that they have been or are being, emotionally abused. Besides which, much of this type of abuse doesn't appear to be severe or dramatic, although its effects can be totally devastating. Emotional abuse is surrounded by an atmosphere of subtlety where the abuser can work steadily, sometimes over a long period. Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a beating or single incident of rape constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a string of incidents, or a pattern of behaviour that can occur over many years. It is more than just verbal insults, the most common description of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a chain of repeated incidents (whether intentional or not) that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person. It can include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation and control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing. Harassment, physical and sexual abuse and witnessing abuse of others are also forms of emotional abuse. Contrary to popular belief, bullies are not only found in schools. Emotional abuse can take place anywhere: at home, at school, in relationships and in the workplace. The Effects of Emotional Abuse This form of abuse is not only under-reported, but it's effects are minimized. The famous childhood verse, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is simply not true. In fact, many physical and sexual abuse survivors have said that the emotional abuse was often more devastating and had longer-term effects. Emotional abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. Emotional abuse, if frequent enough, is usually internalised by the sufferer and leaves them feeling, fearful, insignificant, unworthy, untrusting, emotionally needy, undeserving and unlovable. They end up feeling as if they are bad, deserving of punishment and to blame. Survivors often have a hard time understanding why they feel so bad. The abuse may not sound like much and often people around them will minimize the experience, telling them it's not so bad. But a climate of disregard for a person's feelings, where one is subjected to constant or frequent criticisms, being yelled at, or being ignored, has a deep and profound effect, attacking the very self-image and confidence of a person. Identifying Emotional Abuse How do you recognize emotional abuse? One thing that can help is to step back from your situation and examine the overall climate in your home or your workplace. Trust your instincts and feelings about people. Sometimes, a person can just look at you and you know that they are looking down at you. Other times, their words are okay but their tone is mean. Emotional abuse is insidious and can be very subtle, so trust your gut; it's telling you something. Naming It Because it is harder to name, it can be harder to heal from as well. The first step is to name your experience as abuse. Trust how you feel. Many people can identify the abuse once they know what to look for because they change from being outgoing, self-confident and care-free to feeling nervous, anxious and fearful in the company of an emotionally abusive person. Remember that emotional abuse is frequently minimized. Overcoming the Mindset Emotional abuse sets up a self-belief where the sufferer comes to believe that they are to blame and that they must work harder to fix the problems (such as improving the relationship). This never works because the problem is not the sufferer; the abusive behaviour is the problem. Nothing you do will change that. No matter how nice and accommodating you are, nothing that you do will change an emotionally abusive person's behaviour. In fact, many people get even more aggressive when you try to make it better, because they sense that you think it's your fault and this confirms their own beliefs! It can be very hard to not fall into the role of being "good girl" or "good boy" when someone is emotionally abusing you, but it's important to avoid that. If You've Been Emotionally Abused in the Past Identifying the abuse as abuse is an important step in your healing. It means that you recognize that what happened to you was wrong, hurtful and not your fault. Placing responsibility for the abuse on the abuser is the key to healing from abuse. Countering Negativity Arguing against the negative messages that you received is also really important. You may need to write down all the insulting things that you learned about yourself and argue against each one with the truth. It may feel unnatural or foreign to argue against these messages, but it will help you to feel better in the long-run. Catch yourself when you find that you are putting yourself down. Take a breath and remind yourself that you don't want to do that anymore, that you don't deserve to be hurt and that you want to think of yourself differently. See if you can come up with something that you like about yourself. If you can't come up with something good, think about how you would like to think about yourself. The idea is to interrupt the flow of insulting thoughts you have and to find ways to replace those thoughts with self-soothing ones. By finding ways to be gentle and soothing with yourself, you are directly arguing against those messages. Being kind to yourself by asking yourself what you need, what you want to do and letting yourself do those things are all ways to create a more positive and loving relationship with yourself. No matter what you've been told or how you've been treated, you are worthy of love and respect. The more you know this, the less likely you will be to accept disrespectful or abusive behaviour towards yourself or others. You should not have to take emotional abuse from anyone - no matter what the excuse. You deserve to be treated well. Click here for resources and information