I am not tired of teaching - the students are truly the light of my life. I have never felt so whole and so natural than when standing in the classroom, even when being sworn or yelled at. It is not only fullfilling but in many ways brought me to myself and closer to my own beliefs. I found that I no longer needed the answers to many questions I had about life and living but rather, for the first time in life, could live in the moment knowing there was worth and value in what I was doing. I looked for so many years for a voluntary position and community activity to do that would make me feel as if what I did mattered. That, I was able to make a difference in this world; to find where I fit and something I could do well. I found it. Whether you believe in a God or not does not matter to me, but for me, I truly felt and believed that every part of my life now had a real and divine reason and it all came together when I started teaching. It is hard to explain in full the wholesomeness of 'being' when in the classroom. To say 'I love it' is not enough. The word love does not sum teaching up or express the depth of what I mean, but to love something is to let it go and I think, even after such a short time, this is what I must do. No, I am not tired of the teaching, but I am tired of the battle in which I have found myself and it is this that I can no longer continue with. I put my heart and soul into this term, yet still, I am left fighting to find acceptance.
Yesterday, I heard someone in the staff room (no names) slagging me off and thus poisoning others against me. I said nothing, but got up from my seat and made it known I was present and could hear. I did think about recording the conversation on my ipod but thought 'what the hell - it'll reflect badly on me' if I do that and play it to anyone, so I didn't. Anyway, the slagging off ceased but the subsequent looks said it all - the damage was done. My thoughts are now these:
First, why would others take the word of one person about another without finding out the whole entire truth? The Principal has a philosophy of asking before accusing and finding out the facts before assessing so why have the staff not taken this on board when led by example.
Secondly, why bother slagging me off when I am open to and willing to forget all past 'what-evers' and move on for the benefit of the students...which leads me to point three
- aren't we all at school, in whatever capacity or role we each have, to do the best by the students and there not to bitch and carry on like brats ourselves, but work collaboratively, collegially and respectfully with each other regardless of any differences? Surely, everyone knows that 'it' is not about us, but about the students . . .
After this experience and several others I find myself exhausted. This situation occurred because I dared to stand up to someone who thought me unable to meet the task at hand - the role I was given. I have since proven myself and done the best I could do. I did not deserve the crap dished out to me over the last 3 months. Then, the latest encounter, after the last 12 weeks of onslaught, resulted in my being perplexed to find Mr X had reported me to the Principal for leaving early on thursday evening - only after I might add, at least 9 other teachers had left before me. It was not one of these other teachers that were mentioned but only I to be singled out for tittle tattle by Mr X, even he watched and gave his blessing for yet another to leave as I was talking to him. This is all too childish, victimizing and pathetic to be bothered with. I decided on Friday to consider resigning from my post in favour of waiting for any job to come up - any other non related teaching job.
I know you'll think in crazy because teaching jobs are like hens teeth but God got me this far and I'm sure He'll have this in hand too. Frankly, I've worked my arse off and after the experiences over the last 12 weeks which include the benefit of Mr X's contributions (that follow below), I'm OVER feeling that I have to prove myself to him or anyone else . . . So far, I have
- had to listen to him be all reasonable with management and then slag them off behind their backs - not only blaming them for my 'situation' but shrugging off any responsibility for what he did and laughing about it.
- hear all about how he was overlooked by the Principal for a job he should have got but someone with a higher qualification was given (explains the PhD comments and resentment towards me I guess)
- how the previous Principal was so much more personable and cared so much more than the current one. (Can't people embrace the here and now and see how blessed they are to have caring leadership instead of comparing and grieving for what they cannot have back - MOVE ON for crying out loud!!!!)
- how he is sick of his employment and would get out if he could (If he really wanted this then why doesnt he tell the Principal who might help and support him - she doesnt appear the kind to hold grudges or stop people from making choices to move on).
- how management have agendas that are not best for the school whilst making out he actually agrees with them (including hiring me it seems)
- almost making me beg for 8 weeks for information that someone else managed to get within 10 minutes of asking him,
- having him tell other teachers and support staff that "she takes things the wrong way, so be careful" and thus persons starting a sentence with "don't take this wrong the way, but...." or ""don't mis-understand this, but..." When I HAVE NOT MISUNDERSTOOD ANYTHING at all and rarely do. If I did I would say so and ask for clarification. I had ONE issue with Mr X after he continuously rammed down my throat that the only reason I got the job was because I had a PhD and who then proceeded over the course of 25 minutes to slag off management for having an agenda to hire people with only higher qualifications, which doesn't relay to being a good teacher and who then subsequently spread rumours to the rest of the staff about everyone being employed this year being a 'Dr' which when I pointed out was untrue didn't go down very well and led to my being ordered around like a dog constantly.
- After standing up for myself with the support of other staff the shit hit the fan even worst - a woman, an educated woman and a woman who women with power and leadership chose in an environment that used to be male dominated and thus makes the person giving me a hard time something else to friggin' moan about (GET OVER IT - We live in the 21st Century - women are allowed to work, run parliament and oh..get this, be Principals and teachers!).
- being reported for leaving early, at 6.15pm after Mr X saw others leaving and actually gave his blessing for another teacher to leave at 3.15pm even though all staff were supposed to be present until 7pm. Now, I understand that the 'rules' according to 'call back' might be different for part-time staff, so I am subsequently told, but what about the dozen other full-time permanent staff who left hours before me . . . why use me as an example. I'll tell you why - because its me and regardless of what anyone elses experience of this guy is - compassionate, warm and lovely - it is NOT my experience and I am not some damn idiotic stupid moron not to know when someone is sabotaging my career. It is petty, childish and strategically manipulative and I am so over it.
- I am also over the silent treatment and intimidation. (How I wish there were microphones and videos in the staffroom).
Am I angry tho - am I 'eck. I just feel sick and deeply sad that my teaching career is over before it even really started. I regret putting a PhD on my CV because then non of this would have started. I'm fed up because no matter how kind or polite I am to him he treats me with disregard and 'sets me up' so he can tittle-tattle to the Principal. Sigh! Am I missing something here - God in heaven knows. In the meantime, I am back to stepping in faith . . . So . . .
God bless him - and I mean that. If his goal was to make me leave to prove the point that I should not have been hired in the first place then he can have that victory. My life is worth so much more than being made to feel intimidated, worthless and less than I am in reality. This is not to sound arrogant or superior, because I took this job to be of service and to serve. I did not take this job to be the whipping boy for someone with historical issues, professional hurts and a male ego that resents female leadership or achievement. My PhD is MINE and YES I did achieve it - if that bothers him so f-ing much (sorry for the swearing) then maybe he should go and get himself one. Maybe then he would realise how utterly disrespectful it is to use it to smack someone in the face with (virtually) and that people complete PhDs for themselves and not for the purpose of giving others ammunition.
The point is this school and teaching is not working out for me. I've done my best. The department is set up and ready for anyone to walk into and start teaching straight away. The funding has been done and received, files are ready to be audited, unit standards are set up and in place, the room is culturally inclusive and the resources are in order and accounted for. Most importantly the students no longer cuss, shout abuse or truant - they are ready to learn and willing to do so. I have done the best job anyone could do and I will walk away with a clear conscience and an ability to say to God - "i did my best to serve". I need not answer anyone else.
God bless Mr X. May his worries, resentments and pains be replaced with love, compassion and hope. May those he loves, support and nurture him, and his family be healthy, happy and kind. I hope one day he will see that I was never a threat of any kind or any of the things he voiced to others.
For the school, I hope staff will see what an amazing opportunity they have to make a difference when the new school is built. That they see the vision and philosophy of an inspirational leader come to life and that they embrace this with hope and optimism. The future, if only people could see it, is more promising than he has voiced in the staffroom. The positives are laid out in front of them, I cannot understand why these cannot be seen. I feel sorry for those who are positive, excited and enthusiastic - it certainly is difficult to maintain these positivities faced with so much of the other.
Sigh, I dont think, at the moment, I'll go on to teach again. If this is what it is like - a war of navigation, sabotage and churlishness - it isn't for me. Worst - is I cannot prove how bad it has been because I am told Mr X is so nice! Every time I am told, I believe and carry on, only to hear nastiness, be treated with disdain or totally ignored. No! Hes been nothing but obstructive to me - even when I have asked, asked, asked and asked for help - I believe the experiences of others, but they have not had mine and the two could not be more opposite. It isn't the first time someone has taken exception to me over my having a PhD but this has by far been the worst.
Who would have thought it was so hard to serve - to give of oneself.
I hope my departure gives some comfort and the ability to say 'I told you so' and "PhD's dont make good teachers" brings some smugness. Personally, I've never been made to felt so shite. Yet, I leave all that I was able to do for my successor knowing - I did my best. God knows that much is true.
I am exhausted.
I am exhausted.
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